And the winner is ...

Play a piece of music, and it's likely someone won't like it. Over 5,800 people responded to a CNN.com poll asking them to name the worst song of all time. Here are the winners ... er ... losers:

5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974). He should use sunscreen.

4. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene (No. 3, 1982). I've been to me quite a few times, but I always have a two hour layover in Atlanta.

3. "You Light Up My Life," Debby Boone (No. 1 for 10 weeks, 1977). The Metallica version rocks.

2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille (No. 4, 1976). I don't think that guy is a real Captain.

And the No. 1 worst song as voted on by CNN.com users:

1. "(You're) Having My Baby," Paul Anka (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974). This song was originally called "Yo My Baby Momma."

Other songs with sizable constituencies -- at least 1 percent of the vote -- included:

Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods' "Billy, Don't Be a Hero." Billy! Don't go. Please! I'm begging you!

Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died." Paper Lace? Not the most masculine name for a band.

Starship's "We Built This City." Grace Slick probably has no idea she recorded this song.

Richard Harris' "MacArthur Park." Hey, has anybody seen my cake? It looks like it's gonna rain.

Morris Albert's "Feelings." Wo, wo, wo, feelings. Wo, wo wo. They don't write lyrics like that anymore.

Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight." A tribute to Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski.

The Archies' "Sugar, Sugar." Betty or Veronica? For me, it's Veronica.

Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart." I grew up in the South and I hate this song.

Maria Muldaur's "Midnight at the Oasis." Who let's their camel stay up until midnight? That's very irresponsible.

America's "A Horse with No Name." Run like the wind ... uh ... you horse.

Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy." I got love in my tummy ... or it may be excess stomach acid.

Don McLean's "American Pie." This is the longest song ever recorded. It lasts approximately 4 hours and 38 minutes.

Los Del Rio's "The Macarena." Oh, no. Now I can't get this stupid song out of my head.

My choice for worst song ever is "Roses" by Outkast. Here are some of the lyrics ...

I know you'd like to thank your s*** don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo poo poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo poo poo

I rest my case.

Knock. Knock. Who's there? Mammagram

People are often annoyed at door-to-door sales people, but they were downright offended at what one man was offering to women who answered his knock. Police say the man went door-to-door carrying a doctor’s bag and offering free breast examinations, and actually got two women to take him up on his offer.

WFOR-TV reports that 76 year old William Winikoff of Coconut Creek, Florida has been arrested for his free breast exams, after two women (I'm guessing Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie) agreed to allow him to examine their breasts in their apartments, after representing himself as a doctor making a house call.

Carrying a black “doctor’s” bag, investigators claim Winnikoff walked up to a apartment building and told a woman, that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams. According to police, the woman let Winikoff into her apartment and the phony doctor began the exam. The woman realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor (well, DUH) and she called 911, but the fake doctor had already left her apartment to find another victim; a woman who lives in the same apartment complex - The I'm As Dumb As A Cement Block Estates.

Eventually, the man was arrested, and faces charges of Lewd and Lascivious Conduct. As bizarre as the story is, investigators believe the two women assaulted may not be the first to fall for the phony breast exam scheme, and they are asking anyone who may have taken advantage of Winnikoff’s ‘examinations’ to contact the Broward Sheriffs’ Office.

When he heard about the story, California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "Dis man is a genious. Why didn't I tink of dat?"

Senator Ted Kennedy asked, "Where can I get a black doctor's bag?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American chicken.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die a painful death. In the rain. With his boots on.

TOM CRUISE: To study the handling of the spirit in relationship to itself ... and to see my new movie Mission: Impossible III.

WILLIAM SHATNER: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Denny Crane.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. Come on, Scully. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

GEORGE W. BUSH: What chicken?

PARIS HILTON: He was hot.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. Unfortunately, the software crashes a lot and seizes control of your computer without your permission.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: I am not a chicken.

Let's Face It

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Questions to Ponder

Here are some questions that I often ponder ...

1. If Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise is originally from France, then why does he speak with an English accent?

2. If a woman gets a hair treatment that is called a "permanent," why does it only last for a few weeks?

3. Is it okay for a chunky, forty-something white guy to feel bootylicious?

4. Why does Yogi Bear wear a tie?

5. Why do I keep getting e-mails from people who say they have technology that can enlarge my organ in just a matter of days? How and why did they get my name? I happen to be quite pleased with the size of my Wurlitzer, and I wish those people would just leave me alone.

6. Don’t you think it’s strange that the word “phonics” is spelled with a ph? I understand that some kids even get hooked on phonics. They should be illegal.

7. Have you ever noticed that out of the three Rs (Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic) only one of them actually starts with the letter R?

8. If we evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?

9. Why do men have nipples? It’s a good thing they don’t work, because if they did, we’d be squirting each other in the middle of business meetings.

10. What was Bullwinkle’s major at Wassamatta U.? I’m guessing art history.

11. How come movie stars say they don’t care about money and then they force the film studios to pay them $20 million plus a percentage of the box office for a lousy movie? They claim, “It’s not about the money; it’s about practicing my craft.” Just once I’d like to hear a regular guy named Dave say, “I don’t fix lawn mowers for the money; it’s my way of paying homage to my craft.”

12. The Psychic Friends Network went bankrupt. Shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

13. Why are so many beautiful women attracted to ugly guys? Here are some examples: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, Shania Twain and Robert “Mutt” Lange, Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christy Brinkley and Billy Joel, and Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson.

14. If a cat actually got your tongue, what do you think he would do with it?

15. If a rabbit took a Viagra, would he explode?