I am a Hokie

I’m trying to stay strong. But, at times, waves of overwhelming emotion cause me to burst into tears. The pain is almost more than I can bear. I am a Hokie.

I was lucky to get into Virginia Tech in 1979. Quite honestly, I was even luckier to graduate in 1984. Some of the greatest days of my life were spent on that pastoral campus, surrounded by castles made of Hokie stone. In the fall, the leaves change to create a panorama of orange and maroon, just in time for football season. In the winter, the campus looks like picture on a holiday card. Spring signals a time to get outside and play Frisbee on the Prairie or take a walk through Slusher beach. Although this spring is different, we will get through these dark days, and we’ll come back even stronger.

The term “Hokie Nation” is not just a marketing phrase that was designed to support our football team. We are a powerful community and we will always be a tight-knit society. We share the same memories; the cold wind in your face as you walk across the Drillfield on your way to class, visions of Michael Vick racing down the sideline, a juicy cheeseburger at Mike’s, and a laugh with your friends at Top of the Stairs.

For the rest of our lives, we will raise our voices and proclaim with boundless pride, “I AM A HOKIE!”

Strange But True

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. Divorce lawyers are currently disputing this claim.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. Have you ever seen a horrific donkey crash on CNN? Me neither.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. I think this depends on who you're sleeping with.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. Where did they put all of those olives? Did they give them to Continental?

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Hey, aren't women from Venus? Men are from ... no ... not Uranus. They're from a small moon called Testiclese. And everyone knows that dogs are from Pluto.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. "Hello, miss. Can I buy you an apple?" How about an apple martini?" "Okay, would you like an apple turnover?" "Is that mace you have in your hand?" "Ouch, that really stings."

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. Yeah, if you happen to be Hannibal Lector.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Well, duh. At Disney World, the mice are six feet tall and wear white gloves.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but, not downstairs. Dude, if you're leading a cow upstairs, you seriously need to raise your dating standards.

Turtles can breathe through their butts. Very interesting. I have also noticed that politicians can speak out of their butts.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Chihuahua: We don't need no stinking light bulb.

The North American Dorkhound

Hello! My name is Luther P. Shackelford. I am a North American Dorkhound and a native of Huntsville, Alabama. In my spare time, I enjoy rolling around in the mud, smelling dirty socks, and digging in the trash.

I love Snausages. I could eat about a million of 'em. My momma used to say, "Life is like a box of Snausages." I don't know what that means, but man, I can't get enough of them danged Snausages. I gotta go chase a cat outta the yard. I hate cats. I'll talk to y'all later.

And the winner is ...

Play a piece of music, and it's likely someone won't like it. Over 5,800 people responded to a CNN.com poll asking them to name the worst song of all time. Here are the winners ... er ... losers:

5. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974). He should use sunscreen.

4. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene (No. 3, 1982). I've been to me quite a few times, but I always have a two hour layover in Atlanta.

3. "You Light Up My Life," Debby Boone (No. 1 for 10 weeks, 1977). The Metallica version rocks.

2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille (No. 4, 1976). I don't think that guy is a real Captain.

And the No. 1 worst song as voted on by CNN.com users:

1. "(You're) Having My Baby," Paul Anka (No. 1 for three weeks, 1974). This song was originally called "Yo My Baby Momma."

Other songs with sizable constituencies -- at least 1 percent of the vote -- included:

Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods' "Billy, Don't Be a Hero." Billy! Don't go. Please! I'm begging you!

Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died." Paper Lace? Not the most masculine name for a band.

Starship's "We Built This City." Grace Slick probably has no idea she recorded this song.

Richard Harris' "MacArthur Park." Hey, has anybody seen my cake? It looks like it's gonna rain.

Morris Albert's "Feelings." Wo, wo, wo, feelings. Wo, wo wo. They don't write lyrics like that anymore.

Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight." A tribute to Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski.

The Archies' "Sugar, Sugar." Betty or Veronica? For me, it's Veronica.

Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart." I grew up in the South and I hate this song.

Maria Muldaur's "Midnight at the Oasis." Who let's their camel stay up until midnight? That's very irresponsible.

America's "A Horse with No Name." Run like the wind ... uh ... you horse.

Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy." I got love in my tummy ... or it may be excess stomach acid.

Don McLean's "American Pie." This is the longest song ever recorded. It lasts approximately 4 hours and 38 minutes.

Los Del Rio's "The Macarena." Oh, no. Now I can't get this stupid song out of my head.

My choice for worst song ever is "Roses" by Outkast. Here are some of the lyrics ...

I know you'd like to thank your s*** don't stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo poo poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo poo poo

I rest my case.

Knock. Knock. Who's there? Mammagram

People are often annoyed at door-to-door sales people, but they were downright offended at what one man was offering to women who answered his knock. Police say the man went door-to-door carrying a doctor’s bag and offering free breast examinations, and actually got two women to take him up on his offer.

WFOR-TV reports that 76 year old William Winikoff of Coconut Creek, Florida has been arrested for his free breast exams, after two women (I'm guessing Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie) agreed to allow him to examine their breasts in their apartments, after representing himself as a doctor making a house call.

Carrying a black “doctor’s” bag, investigators claim Winnikoff walked up to a apartment building and told a woman, that he was in the neighborhood offering free breast exams. According to police, the woman let Winikoff into her apartment and the phony doctor began the exam. The woman realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor (well, DUH) and she called 911, but the fake doctor had already left her apartment to find another victim; a woman who lives in the same apartment complex - The I'm As Dumb As A Cement Block Estates.

Eventually, the man was arrested, and faces charges of Lewd and Lascivious Conduct. As bizarre as the story is, investigators believe the two women assaulted may not be the first to fall for the phony breast exam scheme, and they are asking anyone who may have taken advantage of Winnikoff’s ‘examinations’ to contact the Broward Sheriffs’ Office.

When he heard about the story, California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "Dis man is a genious. Why didn't I tink of dat?"

Senator Ted Kennedy asked, "Where can I get a black doctor's bag?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American chicken.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die a painful death. In the rain. With his boots on.

TOM CRUISE: To study the handling of the spirit in relationship to itself ... and to see my new movie Mission: Impossible III.

WILLIAM SHATNER: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Denny Crane.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. Come on, Scully. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

GEORGE W. BUSH: What chicken?

PARIS HILTON: He was hot.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. Unfortunately, the software crashes a lot and seizes control of your computer without your permission.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: I am not a chicken.